Home is where the heart is (Berena)
by RedgravesTardis
Summary: Bernie lands back in the U.K., can she find home back in Serena's arms and tell her that she's sorry for running off to Ukraine? and will their relationship be like before? Can Serena stop Bernie's nightmares since Bernie return?
1. Chapter 1

With the blonde just landing back into the UK after being in Ukraine for several months, she got off the plane being greeted with the freezing cold air, The blonde sighed as she began to walk towards the airport to gather her bags, as it was 12:00am she thought it was best that she would get a taxi back to her house as she was too tired to drive.

Bernie arrived at the baggage area , she breathed into her hands to try to keep herself warm while she was wearing her white coat and a scarf,she couldn't wait to fall into her bed and have a decent night sleep.

Bernie finally received her luggage, she sighed with relief as she thought that she wasn't going to get her luggage back, she made her way to the front of the airport and saw a taxi in the taxi loading bay, and knocked on the window to give the driver the address on where she wanted to go before she got in the taxi. Bernie sighed as she looked out of the window while the taxi driver drove her back to her apartment which to her never felt like home.

Bern paid the driver and got out and collecting her things from the boot and walked into her apartment unlocking the door walking into the dark room, she dumped her suitcase and bags by the door while she threw her keys into the dish that was on the table just a few feet away from the door.

Bernie made her way to the bedroom after taking her coat and shoes off, she let out a sigh seeing the empty double bed, Normally when she would be home this late she would have Serena to cuddle into but as now she was back on her own she knew that she had to get used to sleeping on her own so she went and got her phone charger and her phone and plugged the phone charger plug into the wall before plugging it into her phone, she gently placed her phone onto her bedside table, she sat on the bed thinking if she wanted to have a shower now or wait till the morning, she looked at her watch seeing that it getting later so she decided that her shower could wait until the morning.

Bern got undressed and got dressed into a thin PJ top and some shots before turning the lights out as it was now 1am and got into bed getting comfortable before closing her eyes knowing that when she returned back to work it was going to be a long shift so she really needed all the sleep that she could get.

Serena was in her office, she was sat looking at her emails just to see if Bernie had gotten back to her, There was no reply to her emails. Serena sighed and closed the tab of the internet, she leant back into her chair she hadn't long come back from theatre. She looked over at Bernie's desk seeing how tidy it was which wasn't like the desk to be as there would be piles of patients folders that she would have to sign off.

Serena looked at the time on her computer it was now 1:45, she gave out a little yawn before reaching for her phone which was in her top draw, she pressed the lock button seeing that she heard anything back from Bernie again, which this was beginning to make her feel a little mad as she didn't want to carry on fighting for their relationship if it had turned into a one-way relationship. she just wanted a text saying that Bernie as safe or that she had moved on her, but there was nothing.

Serena decided to unlock her phone and went onto her messages , she tapped on Bernie's name and started to type out a text;

 _"Hey, I miss you"_ she typed out and stared at it for a few minutes as she was deciding on sending it to her knowing that she wouldn't get anything back. She sighed again before hitting send , it took a few minutes to send but once it sent it came up with delivered under her message.

As Bern was asleep she heard her phone but never checked it as she just thought it was an notification for her emails and for some of her apps that she downloaded. Bernie rolled over so that she was in the middle of the bed and was facing her bedroom window. Nothing would wake her when she needed a good night sleep, not even her phone.

Serena got up after logging off her computer and got her things as she decided it was time to go home as the AAU had gone quite , she walked out of the office turning the light off as she did and then locked it before heading to the signing out area , she looked for her name before putting the time that she had left , she walked down the stairs and out the building going over to her car and got in, she put her stuff onto the passenger seat before driving back to her house.

Once she had got there she pulled up into the drive way and looked at the empty car park space next to her car, it was where Bernie would park when she came to stay over for a few days. She got out and went inside and dumped her stuff down in the front room and headed up to bed , she put her phone on charge then got changed into some clean PJS hat she had left on the bed ready for her to come home to, she got into bed and looked over at the left pillow , she couldn't stop thinking of Bernie, even when she tried to she couldn't erase her from her mind because she was so in love with her, as she stared at the pillow where Bern would lay her head on she started to get tears that rolled down her face , she just wanted to hold her. It took her about half an hour to fall asleep as the time was now 2:30am, she fell asleep holding the pillow tightly like she did to Bernie if She had a nightmare about the army.


	2. Chapter 2

Both Bernie and Serena was asleep in their separate beds , Bernie was now tossing and turning a little trying to get comfy where on the otherhand Serena well she was sound asleep still clinching onto the pillow that smelt of Bernie. Bernie had started sweat as she started to have a panic attack while having an nightmare about when she was in the army.

Bernie quickly woke up with tears falling down her face and gasped for air, as she felt like the air was being cut off. After a few minutes of her trying get her surroundings back she started to breath deeply to get her breathing back under control. She looked around the room slowly recognising that she as home but it never felt like it was , it felt like something was missing, this feeling was new to her as she wasn't the type so show any emotion well, this time as wanted to belong somewhere and finally knew that she would always be safe in Serena's arms.

Bernie decided that she couldn't sleep anymore so she went back to her suitcases and moved them into the kitchen, she wanted to get as much of her things unpacked before she had to go in for her shift, she unzipped the suitcase and took out her clothes put them into piles before turning the washing machine on and put her pile of whites inside it and set the temperature of the machine before pressing the start button.

She got out and turned on the kettle and waited for it to boil, she hadn't had a decent cup of tea in months, she her cup ready adding the tea bag and two sugars, she put the milk out on the side by her cup and started to think about Serena , as she had been on her mind throughout her Ukraine visit and started to feel bad that she didn't contact her but she knew she needed space to get over the things that had happened to her.

Once the kettle had boiled she poured the water into the cup and added the milk giving it a quick stir and took out the teabag and took a sip as she walked over to the table where she sat down thinking on what she wanted.

Now it was the next morning, it was 5:30am , Serena woke up to the sound of her phone ringing , she slowly sat up and rubbed her head after crying herself to sleep like she did every night since that day Bernie had left. She reached for her phone pulling it off charge and put the phone to her ear not looking who was calling as she hoped that it was Bernie but it was the AAU who needed her help as there had been an emergency, Serena sighed and spoke "ill be right there" she said in her tired morning voice , the voice that Made Bernie fall more in love with her.

Serena put her phone down on the bed before getting out of it and dragged herself to the bathroom and locked the door turning the shower on and gave out a little stretch before stripping off and stepped into the shower where the water ran down her body before applying the shampoo then the conditioner and washed her body before turning it off and stepped out of the bath and wrapped the towel around her and started to dry off.

She headed into the bedroom and went over to her wardrobe, letting out her underwear and a vest before looking at her shirts while deciding on what one she wanted to wear. She picked out a shirt and a pair of trousers that she thought that matched. Serena got dressed and made her way down the stairs grabbing her things like her coat and bag, she looked at the time and sighed while she picked up the car keys, she knew that she wouldn't have time to make a coffee so she would have to buy one.

An hour later Serena arrived onto the AAU and was met by Fletch and Jasmine, who was telling her that a patient was on their way that had a spinal injury , she nodded making her think back to when Bernie arrived with a spinal injury.

It was now four hours into Serena's shift, she was down in theatre operating on the young boy who had been rushed in with the spinal injury, the operation was going well but there was one thing on her mind which she was trying to shake of, The though of Bernie, of course Serena had no-idea that she was going to see her again that morning .

Bernie had fallen asleep on her sofa after doing a few piles of washing as she couldn't sleep, she woke to the sound of her alarm coming from her phone, she sat up and rubbed her neck as she had fallen asleep In a slight awkward position. She went into the bedroom and picked her phone up turning the alarm off .

She the headed over to her wardrobe picking out a black shirt and vest then a pair of trousers and some underwear before heading into the direction of the bathroom, meanwhile back at Holby Serena was just coming out of the theatre, she headed to the cafe to grab a coffee before heading up to the office to conquer the piles of paper work.

The blonde was now on her way in, she had stopped at a local supermarket and brought Serena a bottle of Shiraz to say sorry, she also brought some wrapping paper so that she could wrap the bottle up in the office before she saw Serena but also remembered that either one of them would get called in before the other, she sighed and went back out her car.

she sat in the drivers seat and placed the wrapping paper and the bottle of Shiraz on the passenger seat before driving off to the hospital and parked next to Serena's car with out realising , she looked over "Shit" she said to her self seeing the car which now meant Bernie had to wrap the wine bottle up in her car . she had started to wrap her her present while trying to find the end to the cello tape with her right hand as she kept the paper down with her left hand which seemed impossible but some how it was possible for Bernie.

With about 15 minutes the blonde had magically wrapped up the wine bottle and got out holding the bottle and locked the car before walking into the direction of the hospital and going in and headed to the cafe and brought herself to keep her awake from the late night of flying and the nightmare that had also kept her up half the night.

the blonde had now reached the office that she shared with the woman that she loved, she put her hand on the door handle and took a deep breath before opening the door seeing Serena at her desk working through the mountain of paperwork, it took a few minutes for her to walk in as she was thinking on what to say to her not knowing that Serena was about to have a go at her, she slowly walked in and placed the gift on the desk.

Serena looked up a little seeing the bottle being placed on the table then looked up a little more seeing Bernie , she had mix feelings towards her, before she started to frown at her before getting up from her seat walking over to her

"Your back then?" Serena asked

"Yeah, it appears that I am" Bernie replied softly

"Did you get my texts and emails?"

"No , they didn't come through "

"Don't give me that! You know my texts came through you just couldn't have the guts to text me back did you?" She asked raising her voice a little

"You needed space..."

"I needed space? I needed you , I begged you to stay!"

Bern looked at her "I'm sorry"

Serena couldn't control her emotions and pushed Bernie up against the wall "But your not though are you?" She paused getting angry

"You didn't even send a text saying you was okay! I thought... I honestly thought you was dead! In a ditch somewhere!" She said slapping Bernie hard a cross the face with tears in her eyes "you have know Idea how many nights I cried my self to sleep hugging that pillow thinking it was you!" She said slapping her again , Bern let her knowing that Serena was right to react to her this way and acted like Serena's slaps wasn't hurting her.

"I'm sorry , I ran because I got scared, I didn't want to loose you" she said softly watching her and put her hand on her cheek giving it a rub to ease the pain a little , and looked into Serena's eyes seeing that she was about to break down and cry,

"No don't you dare touch me, I hate you" Serena said seeing Bern open up her arms to hug her,

"Come here" Bern said softly knowing that Serena never really hated her like she said

"No" Serena replied shaking her head trying not to give into Bernie but was finding it hard as all she wanted was her Girlfriend back in her arms.

After 10 minutes of Serena resisting Bernie finally managed to pull her into her embrace and rubbed her back gently letting her cry on her shoulder if she needed to.


	3. Chapter 3

_Authors note: I'm sorry for any type errors, I've wrote half of this chapter in the dark, Really hope you enjoy! Next chapter will be uploaded soon x_

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Serena closed her eyes feeling Bernie's embrace, she was still fighting back the tears as she knew that both of them needed each other, especially Bernie needing her more even if she didn't say anything as Serena knew that she had another one of her night-mares by the way Bern'shands was gripped on to her waist, her grip was tight like she didn't want to let go as she finally felt safe.

"Bern..honey...I got you...Your safe" she said comforting her but rubbing her back softly and stroking her hair to calm Bernie's thoughts about the army and the nightmares.

Bern gripped her hands on Serena's waist more, she wanted to make up for the moths that she had caused hell for her

"I'm sorry..." Serena said apologising for hitting her as a few tears rolled down her face and onto Bern's shoulder, Bern didn't say anything as she knew that Serena was right, how she could have replied to her messages, Bern looked up at Serena

"No...I deserved it it, I should of texted you , I'm the one that's sorry"

"No Bern.."

"You needed space I get that... I understand " she said looking up ather again wiping her tears away softly, and looked into her brown eyes "I've caused you so much pain... you was right to act that way"

"But you came back...that's the main thing" Serena replied

"Can we sit down?" Bern asked "please?"

"Hey of course we can" Serena replied softly guiding Bern over to her office chair, Bern sat in her office chair as Serena sat on the edge of her work desk

"I scared you didn't I?" Serena asked stroking the blondes cheekthat was red from where Serena had hit her. Bernie flinched a little feeling her touch before speaking

"No...no of course not" The blonde answered while lying a little, as shedidn't like it when Serena would shout at her as it would remind her being on the front line, Serena looked at her as she was still stroking her soft cheek, knowing that something was up as it wasn'tlike Bernie to be this quite, as she was always full of some sort ofconversation.

"Bern...you don't have to lie to me...you know I wouldn't be mad at you"Serena said softly

The blonde looked up at her giving a sigh while hesitating to tell her the truth, and gave her a slight nod to say yes before looking back down at the floor to speak again "You did...but only a little..but i'm used to it" she said letting it slip that the shouting had made her remember her days in the the army.

Serena lifted her head up gently before getting off the desk and bent down to her level and held her hand holding it tightly "Why didn't you tell me that i made you think back to the army days?"

"I..erm.. i didn't want to worry you"

"Bern...baby ... I'm always worried about you because I love you"

The blonde nodded and looked at her girlfriend in the eyes "Was...was there anyone else .. i mean when I was gone?" she asked nervously

"No..there was nobody else...What about you?"

"No...i cant replace you if i tried" Bernie said with a bigger smile to reassure Serena that she was the only one for her , Serena smiled back at her rubbing her hand softly before asking her another question

"How was you're flight back?"

Tiring... but I'm glad to back in the UK though" she said with a much bigger smile

"Did you get any sleep darling?"

"A couple of hours until.." The blonde said before getting cut off by her girlfriend

"You had another nightmare about the army?"

Bernie nods "It's the same dream each time... Feeling like the air is being cut off..."

"Hey your safe now sweetheart, why don't you go for a lie down up in the staff-room? as no offence honey you do look drained" Serena said softly kissing the blonde's forehead

"I'm sure a good strong coffee would help, Its not fair on you.. I've just come back and i cant just pile more things on to like this... you need me down here.."

"It might not Bern... you know what to much caffeine can do to you, so that's off the cards until you've had some more sleep... Bern I've got it covered the AAU is fine, you go for a lie down and I'll even check on you if you're lucky" Serena replied in a soft cheeky tone

The blonde let out another little sigh but with a little smile "I don't know what i would do without you..." she said pressing her forehead against Serena's and smiled seeing her smile "You know i thought about you every day..."

"Hey shush we'll continue this talk later back at home... if you want me to come over" Serena asked not lifting her forehead from Bernie's

"I would love that... What time is your shift ending?"

"Same time as yours" Ree said with a big smile

Bern looked at her confused "What time would that be?"

"5:30-6pm , Half five if we're lucky " Ree said softy in a way that Bernie could understand due to her tiredness, Which Ree didn't mind explaining things in a simpler way for Bernie when she couldn't understand.

Are you sure that you can cope down her?"

"Ms Berenice Wolfe i'm sure i can cope I've been running this unit for a long time " Ree said with a smile before kissing the blondes soft lips to shut her up, Bernie smiled into the kiss before deeply and put her arms around her neck and stroked the back of Ree's neck softly, Serena let out a small moan due to soft stroking of Bernie's hand while Bernie's free hand wondered slowly down her leg stroking it until her hand landed on her thigh, Bernie smirked knowing that it would make Serena tense.

Serena let a small series of moans out into Bernie's mouth while she continued to kiss her, Bernie was such a tease when it came to Serena. Bernie was in her element when she wasn't feeling her best she knew how to lift her mood, Bernie's hand moved up her leg and rested her hand on top of Ree's pussy.

Ree looked at her with a smirk "Don't you dare Berenice"

"Mm why not Campbell?" she said teasing her back as she gave her pussy a gently rub.

"Because I'll want you more then I already do" she smirked

"Oh is that right?" She smirked teasing her again while rubbing her against her trousers watching her shift a little

"I'll get you back for this Berenice" she said moaning out more.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door , Bernie quickly moved her hands so the two of them could act normal , she gave a smirk at Ree before looking at the door "Come in"

Fletch poked his head around the door , seeing Bernie and gave her one of his goofy smiles "Bernie! Your back"

"Yeah only a few hours ago.. can we help you?"

"There's this lovely woman out on the soars complaining about back pains, and shoulder pains, could one of you lovely ladies help?" Fletch explained , before Serena was able to get her word in , Bernie spoke

"Ms Campbell will be more then happy to help you it's for the best I've haven't had my morning coffee yet" she said giving them both a smile before getting up, Serena smirked watching knowing that she was teasing her.

"she's in bed four" Fletch told Serena as Bernie left the office heading up to the staff-room, she walked in and took a look around before going over to the sofa and laid down on it while staring at the ceiling.


	4. Chapter 4

With Bernie finally asleep on the sofa , she laid there peacefully falling into a deep sleep with drowned out the sounds of the busy wards and and sirens, she had her back to the coffee table so she was facing the back of the sofa , she didn't know why but that made her feel safe until the nightmares had taken over her dreams, which had started to make Bernie sweat with fear.

Once Serena was finished attending her patient in bed four, she put the file down on the reception desk as she filed out what she needed to fill out, After she done what she needed to do Serena walked into theroom to the sound of a softly snoring Bernie, it made her giggle gentility, She approached the sofa and found a spot where she couldsit down, it was only then see saw the sweat on Bernie's for head.

Serena watched her as she slept before taking Bernie's hand and held it making Bernie wake up quickly, thinking something was wrong , Bernie had that look on her face where she was confused about was about to cry due to the nightmare she just had , Serena held her hand and stroked it softly before speaking

"Hey it's okay, it's only me, just take your time" she said softly reassuring her, Bernie nodded a little as she tried to get her breathing under control , Serena kept hold of her hand so Bernie knew that Serena was still there.

The blonde finally got her breathing back to normal after a couple of minutes and gave a Serena a smile smile before giving her a nod to say thank you as she didn't want to talk about it just yet. Serena smiled softly back at her and moved her hand to the blondes cheek giving it a gentle stroke "your safe darling " she said softly reassuring her again.

The blonde nodded again before sitting up more to let Serena sit on the sofa more comfortably , Serena watched her and smiled "hey I was fine with the way I was darling" she said softly knowing that Bernie was comfy. Bernie looked at serena who still had sweat dripping from her forehead but gave her a small smile.

"How about a cuppa tea or a coffee then we could talk about that dream you had?" Serena asked softly rubbing her thumb against her hand to let her know that she wasn't going to let anyone try to hurt her.

"Ca..can I have a coffee with two sugars?" She asked in reply to Serena's question before nodding to say yes to the other part of the question.

Serena smiled knowing that Bernie had tried to get some sleep while she had been dealing with a patient "hey of course you can, I'll make just how you like it " she said softly before kissing her cheek before getting up to go over to the sink.

As Serena boiled the kettle and put a spoonful of coffee into Bernie's mug with two sugars , Bernie looked round the room again this time thinking on what to say, Serena looked over at her again, smiling as she knew that her Bernie was safe , she looked back at the mug before pouring the hot water and then the milk and gave it a stir making sure it was how Bernie liked it. Before she made herself a cuppa tea , she lifted the two cups and carefully brought them over placing them into the coffee table.

Serena sat down on the sofa "here you go darling, made just how you like it" she said putting her arm around Bernie's neck pulling her into a cuddle, Bernie smiled "Thank you" she said softly but quietly , Both of them reached for their drinks and took a sip and placed both their mugs back down onto to the table, Bernie moved a little just to get comfortable in the end she had put her head on Serena's lap knowing if she did fall asleep she would be safe and protected.

"Hey it's okay darling" Serena said more softly as she let Bernie comfortable in her lap and started to stroke her soft blonde hair, Bernie smiled to her touch, as she stared at the two mugs that was on the table, she didn't know how to to talk about her nightmares as she was scared that she was being stupid about them, but she wanted to tell Serena about them as she knew that Serena won't judge her if she talked about the nightmares.

Bernie took a breath before trying to make a sentence that made some sort of sense "it..." she said before pausing.

Serena cut in but spoke softly to her "Darling, it's okay don't rush your self, just take your time, I'm in no rush" she said lifting her cuppa tea to have another sip, Serena didn't care that they was sitting in silence, she just cared that she was sat in silence with her Girlfriend. Bernie moved again but this time she moved to look up at Serena and gave her a soft smile and took her hand and held it tightly but not to tight , she was gonna try to give it another go at telling her when the nightmares started.

"It started after the operation... I mean it wasn't so bad... and when I got with you, it went completely... but it made its way back slowly ... but when I went to Ukraine... it came back...I didn't want to worry you..."

"You still should of told me, I could of helped baby,I didn't want you to go to Ukraine, you know I didn't"

"I couldn't tell you.. you needed space to grieve, you just lost your daughter I couldn't put more stress on you"

"Bern you wouldn't off, your health matters to me, you should know that, I'm here to help Bernie" Serena said before pausing to ask her an important question "is that why you couldn't contact me? I mean was it because of those nightmares?"

Bernie looked into her eyes before giving a little nod "I'm sorry, I know I should of made an effort to call you , or to even send you a text to say I was safe but I just didn't know how to, I get that you was angry with me because I didn't make an effort I was just too scared.."

"Hey, I'm not angry at you anymore, now I know the truth but I wished you did send a text even it was something small like "I'm fine or can you call me?" I would off picked up the phone straight away Bern, I love you to much to lose you"

"I don't wanna lose you to, your the only thing I thought about while in Ukraine" she said as a few more tears rolled down her face, Serena softly wiped them "Hey don't cry, I'm here , I'm gonna keep you safe, we can get through this together"

"Will the nightmares ever stop?"

"Of course they will darling , I'm gonna get you the best Specialist that can help can help you, just promise me you'll go?"

The blonde nodded listening to Serena before answering her question with another question "If I do decide to go would you come with me?"

"Of course I'll come, I'll come with you for how ever long you want me there sweetheart, I just want you to have someone to talk to if you ever feel like you can't talk to me, I don't want you to bottle up your feelings anymore"

"I don't bottle up my feelings.."

"Sweetheart you do, I've the way you look at me like you wanna say something but you hold it in because you think it's not important, or that your not important, Bernie you are important, especially to me"

Bernie gave her another nod "I'm sorry"

Serena gave her a soft smile before kissing the blondes forehead "I forgive you"

The blonde closed her eyes feeling Serena's soft lips against her forehead "can I stay over yours tonight, I mean if that's okay with you and Jason?"

"I would love that, I'm sure Jason love that to" Serena replied softly and watched Bernie seeing her yawn again "why don't you try to get some more sleep? I'm not going anywhere " she said more softly.

Bernie closed her eyes listening to Serena's voice, slowly falling asleep on to her lap while Serena went back to stroking the Blondes soft hair.


	5. Chapter 5

It had been a few weeks later , Bernie had just started to attend to her appointments with her specialist, She would go straight after her shifts if she wasn't working too late into the night, There was Nights when Bernie didn't want to attend to the appoints as it felt like it was the same thing at every appointment, she wanted to bunk off to go down the pub for the duration of her appointment but knew that if she did that then the specialist would phone Serena and tell her that she hadn't turned up.

Both Bernie and Serena was sat in their office, The AAU was again quite which that gave them a chance to catch up on some paperwork and a chance to talk. Bernie had one of her patients file open while she was reading it, Serena was watching her with a smile on her face, Bernie looked up from the folder to have a sip of her tea and noticed Serena smiling "What's up?" She asked softly

"Nothing , can't I admire my beautiful girlfriend while she works ?"

"Shouldn't you be working to?"

"My shifts just finished , how about you?"

"Another hour then it's another hour with the specialist... so I won't be home till later.."

"How's the meetings going with specialist? Is it helping you?" Serena asked softly

"I guess it's helping... I've only been going to a few because of work.." she said reading the file before looking up at her for a few moments.

Serena nodded softly "did you want me to come with you to it later?"

"If you don't mind?" The Blonde replied with a soft little smile and closed the file and put it with the rest of the files that she had signed off.

"Course I don't.. I've got nothing planed for tonight anyway... I did promise you that I'll go with you" she said smiling back at her. Bernie smiled as she opened up another patient folder and begin to read it , then began to sign where it needed to be signed off.

Serena looked at the pile of files "Did you want me to help you with that? I mean, we can get it done quicker?"

Bernie smiled "I would like that, thank you" she said just before going out on to the ward, and just as Doctor Copeland came over and asked for a hand in theatre as she was trained in trauma , Of course Bernie said that she would do it, she walked back over to the office and poked her head around the door "Serena? I'm gonna bin the theatre , could you finish with signing off the files?" She asked with a smile also forgetting that Serena had asked her if she wanted her help.

"Of course, you go, ill finish up here for you" Serena replied softly, The blonde smiled back and went to get scrubbed in. Bernie was in the theatre for a good few hours, before finally being able to walk out knowing she had saved another patients life. She made her way back to her office after changing out her scuba back into her normal clothes.

Bernie grabbed herself a coffee and a little snack just keep her sugar levels up as she hadn't been eating much , due her being busy with work all the time, Serena knew hat Bernie wasn't eating properly as when Bernie would invite her over she hardly had any food in and always had takeaway tubs and pizza boxes in her bin. Serena wasn't going to say anything about it as it wasn't her business even though she was looking out for her,or well trying to.

The blonde made her back to her office and walked in and looked at her desk and saw that all the files that she had to sign was now on the signed pile, Serena had just finished signing the last file off before placing it on top of the pile and put her pen down and looked up at the Blonde admiring her figure again with a smile before speaking

"How was it down in theatre?"

"Hard work... lots of complications but we got there in the end" she said with a little smile before taking a sip of her coffee "what about you?"

"The wards been quite so I've managed to get folders done for you, so you don't have to worry about taking any of it home with you" Serena replied softly and with a smile.

"Thank you so much, I owe you one, I really do"

"Bernie it's really not a problem, that's what I'm here for to help"

"But i still owe you one , the pile was sky high..."

"Bernie it's fine, you don't owe me anything"

"Are you sure?"

"Of course, I was thinking..," Serena asked softly with a pause as she was thinking how to ask her this question , the blonde looked at her trying to think of what Serena was going to say before speaking her self

"I would love to"

"You would to to what?" Serena asked confused

"To go to dinner with you... I mean if that what you was going to ask"

"of course i was going to ask you out for dinner, i wanted to treat you, if that's okay?"

the blonde looked over at Serena more and smiled while sipping more of her take-away coffee cup, before putting it down onto her desk and pulled her chair out from the desk and sat on it , leaning back letting out a little sigh as she relaxed knowing her shift was now over. Serena smiled watching the blonde knowing who busy it had been for Bernie.

"What time is your appointment with the specialist?"

"Straight after here"

Serena nodded and started to gather her things "come on, I'll give you a lift" she said softly now watching her partner gather her things, they both left the office and closed the door before locking it and made their way down to the car-park, they both walked over to Serena's car and got in, Serena sat in the drivers seat watching Bernie put her belt on before holding out her hand

"Where's your pager?"

"In my pocket...why?" Bernie replied looking at her confused

"Can I have it? I mean you'll get it back once you come out from your appointment " Serena replied seeing how confused Bernie was about the question.

Bernie nodded and got the pager out from her pocket and placed it into Serena's soft hand and watched Serena put the pager into her bag with her own pager before starting the car and drove off to where Bernie's appointment was placed at , Holby City Resource Centre, Bernie sighed as they pulled into the car park knowing that her specialist Doctor Hank would ask her the same old questions, she still wasn't comfortable with him to tell him what had been going on about the nightmares.

Once Serena found a parking space she parked the car up and Un-clipped her seatbelt looking over at Bernie and took her and hand "everything is going to get better I promise"

The blonde looked into her eyes and gave a little nod before replying to her "I Really Hope so" as she un-clipped her seatbelt and picked up her bag getting out the car, Serena locked it once both of them had gotten out. The pair started to walk towards the entrance of the building, Bernie's anxiety started to play up so she reached into her pocket and got out her box of cigarettes and got one out and lit it while she looked at Serena knowing that she was about to ask her if she was okay but before Bernie gave Serena a chance to she started to speak "Why don't you go on in... I'll be in after this cigarette "

Serena looked at her giving her uncertain look "promise?"

"When have I ever let you down Serena?"

Serena nodded and entered the building leaving her partner outside to smoke her cigarette, Serena went over to the reception and signed Bernie in before signing her self in and took a seat where she could look out the window to watch Bernie.


	6. Chapter 6

With Serena watching Bernie's movement from the window, Bernie sighed while smoking her cigarette knowing full well that she was being watched by Serena. The blonde looked over at the bench that was by the door and decided to walk over to it, once she by the bench shesat down and got herself comfortable while she smokes her cigarettes. As Bernie was sat there comfortably she reached into her coat pocket to reach her phone then remembering that Serena had her phone in her bag so she just sat there watching everyone leave and re-enter the building.

As Serena was sat in the waiting room she was starting to worry about Bernie as would normally come straight back inside after having a cigarette, But this time she never, Serena sighed and opened her bag to get her or Bernie's phone to check the time, as she lifted her phone which was on top of Bernie's , Bernie's phone lit up with amessage, she didn't unlock the phone to read properly she just looked at it from the lock screen, as she didn't know the number but had a-slight feeling that Bernie did know the number.

After being outside for fifteen minutes, Bernie finally decided it was timeto go inside the building, she stepped inside and looked at the the visitors book seeing her name then slowly walked over to Serena, who gave the blonde a smile.

"Hey,You took your time? Everything okay?"

The blonde sat down next her and looked at Serena , giving her a nod

"Yeah,everything is fine, why wouldn't it be?" Bernie replied with a question

"you just took longer then you normally do"

"Oh,I just spent some-time thinking , you know to clear my head"

"Oh I see getting ready for the questions that he's going to ask you?"

"Yeah you could say that.."

Serena nodded , and checked her phone again as she was debating to tell Bernie that she had a text , Bernie knew that Serena was hiding something from her

"What's the matter?" Bernie asked

"Nothing Why?"

"You seem to be hiding something?"

"Yes You are, now tell me what are you hiding?"

"I've just told you , I'm not hiding anything"

"Then why are you looking like you are?" She snapped, she didn't mean to she was just anxious about this session, Serena sighed and dug through her bag to find Bernie's phone.

"Alright fine, you had a text message from someone..."

"You went on my phone?" Bernie asked while raising her eyebrow

"No not really..."

"Why do you mean by that?"

"I-read it from the lock screen... but who was it? As the number wasn'tsaved"

"Can I have a look?"

"Promise your not gonna walk out of here before your appointment?"

"Like i'm gonna do that" Bernie replied rolling her eyes a little and paused "I promise"

Serena nodded and got out Bernie's phone and handed it to her , Bernie took-it and unlocked it and looked at the message

 _ **"Hey,hows it going I miss you"**_

Bernie read it and knew instantly it was from Alex , her ex that she had a fling with when she was back in the army, she slid the message across and deleted the message as she didn't want Serena to find out what happened in Ukraine.

Bernie looked at the time and sighed "well he's late, this is a waste Of time" She muttered quietly before hearing footsteps coming closer to the waiting room not knowing it was her Psychotherapist who-was about to greet her, Bernie started to get more anxious so she got up and walked over to the window, looking out of it trying to reach her happy place just like the Psychotherapist told her to.

As Berenice was looking out the window she clinched her fists as she started to have one of her episodes where her hands would go sweaty, Serena looked over and went over to her and gently put both her hands on Bernie's shoulders

"Hey your safe , I'm here, I'm not going leave you I promise " Serena said softly , while she rubbed her shoulders to calm her down a little, for some reason , Bernie found comfort in Serena's touch and started to get her breathing and her vision back before turning to face Serena as she was about to speak.

"I'm sorry"

"There's no need to be" Serena smiled softly before kissing Bernie's forehead

 _ ***An hour later***_

Bernie and Serena was sat in the consultation room with Bernie's Psychotherapist, he smiled over at Serena before looking back over at Bernie who wasn't saying anything but was fidgeting with her hands as she was getting anxious as it was the first appointment that she had someone with her, Serena saw and put her hand on Bernie's leg to let her know that she was still there.

David the Psychotherapist, began to speak just to see where the conversation would go with Bernie, he wrote a few notes on his pad of paper

"How are you today Bernie?" He asked finishing a few of his notes and put his pen down on his pad.

Bernie started to think about the question and responded "I'm okay" she said covering up that she wasn't as she kept thinking this session was a waste of her time.

"Are you sure?"

Bernie gave a nod just before shaking her head "I don't know.." she said looking at Serena who had noticed her mood swings. "It's hard to explain" she said looking at David.

"Can you try to explain it for me?" He said picking up his metal ball point pen that he was writing with

"Not really... I keep feeling anxious and my hands get sweaty?"

David nodded and wrote down what Bernie was telling him and nodded to show Bernie that he was listening to her, as he was about to ask another question both Bernie and Serena's pagers went off, The Blonde looked over at Serena "I'll go.." she said getting up

Serena took her arm softly and pulled her back down as Serena got up gathering her stuff "no, you stay here, you've done enough, look come to mine afterwards"

Bernie sighed feeling disappointed and watched Serena apologise to David before leaving the room and headed back to the reception and signed out and got into her car, driving back to Holby and went to the AAU looking at Fletch "What's the problem?"

"There's been a major car crash, first lot of patients are on there way now, We might need Bernie to.."

Serena looked at him "no I'm sure we can manage without her" she said not wanting to add more stress on to her as she was already finding it hard to cope with her recent diagnosis from the doctor who also recommended her to see a Psychotherapist. Fletch nodded watching her as he handed her a file of the first patient that had just been brought in.

"Bed number four please Fletch" She said as she walked into the office to take her coat off and hung up her bag, she walked towards the patient sighing a little knowing that Bernie was disappointed with her , Soon Serena started to examine the patient for any internal bleeding or pains to the chest.

Now that Bernie was alone with David she slowly started to open up about her feelings towards work and Serena , David listened to her while she explained in a little more detail, he waited for her finish explaining so he could ask her some more questions , she answered them the best she could.

Back at Holby Serena had scrubbed in, as her first patient needed surgery as she found internal bleeding on his stomach area, as soon as she was ready she began to operate, she was still thinking about Bernie's appointment and wanted to be there to pick her up when her appointment was over , but also thought about making Her some dinner to say sorry for leaving her like that.

David was about to ask Bernie a question after letting her lie down on sofa , so that she felt a little bit more comfortable, she had both her arms folded and rested them on her chest.

"Have you ever wanted to kill yourself due to the nightmares that you've been having?" David asked from the questions he jotted down on his note pad earlier, The blonde looked over at him who was about to say no before hesitating.


	7. Chapter 7

_****please read before continuing ;**_

 _ **Im sorry if this chapter triggers anyone, it's not meant to and I'm really sorry****_

"No...I mean yes... please don't tell Serena, she thinks the world of me"

"You know that these meetings are confidential..."

"Yes But Your close to her out of work..."

"That doesn't mean that I'm just gonna tell her"

The blonde nodded "I can't lose her again"

"What makes you say that?"

"Because she's been through to much and that she wouldn't be able to hand It.."

"Handle it as in your endless tries of killing yourself?"

"Yes...she's only just got over losing Ellie..."

"And Your scared that the next time you do it that she'll find out when it's too late?"

Bernie nodded, wiping her tears away with her right hand as she hated talking about her tries but would never talk in detail about them as she felt too ashamed, She looked around the room so that she had something to focus on while she tried to stop more of her tears from falling. David wrote down some more notes before speaking again after handing Bernie some tissue to dry her eyes with

"Do you want to talk about your attempts?"

"Would it help?" She replied

"It might do, if it helps you can pretend that I'm not here and it's just you in the room, sometimes thinking like that helps or think of me as Serena , like your telling her for the first time that also might help you in this situation"

The blonde nodded again and took a few deep breaths as she was thinking how to tell him as she kept her attempts and what had happened in Ukraine bottled up inside her , she looked down at her hands as she was holding her phone, she looked at David pretending he was Serena

"Serena, I... erm I need to talk to you.."

David nodded "What is it Bernie?"

"It's kinda bad, you've just over losing Ellie, when I was in Ukraine all I could think about was you every single day, I didn't know she was going to be there" Bernie replied with a pause, looking down again

"Who was there?"

"Alex my ex.. Alex was doing the same thing as me... the hospital they needed all the help they could get, there was one night where a group of us was working on a patient who didn't make it, so after my shift I went into a pub and started to drink, you know just ease the pain a little, Alex was in the same pub... we went back to the hotel room.. me and her we had sex, I'm sorry"

David shook his head to say that he was listening still letting Bernie explain on how she was feeling

"I love you I really do and I swear it was a drunken mistake that meant nothing, there's also something else I need to tell you as it's tearing me up inside..."

"Since coming back I've been trying, it's not your fault I swear, it's all mine.."

"Trying What?" David asked like he didn't know about the attempts

"I've been attempting to kill my self.. that's why I've been wearing those long tops under my scrubs and that I've stopped eating... I'm sorry"

David looked at the blonde "Can I have a look under your sleeves?" He asked her softly , the blonde gave him a little nod before rolling her sleeves up, David saw where she tried to cut

"I start to do it then I get half way when I realise it's not far on Serena so I stop before i press the blade deeper against my skin.." she said in her shaky voice again as her tears started to fall more.

David put his hand on Bernie's arm a gave it a friendly rub to let her know that it was okay "I honestly think your brave Bernie"

Back in the theatre, Serena was just finishing operating on her last patient that had been involved in the crash, she had a feeling with the young girls injury's that it would be impossible to save her as she had lost too much blood, but Serena was willing to give it a try.

She was now halfway through when she started to think that Fletch was right, maybe she did need Bernie's help as she was having this thought the machines started to beep and the girls pulse was getting weaker, Serena shook her head coming out of the thought

"Shit"

Fletch and jasmine

looked at her before hearing Ric speak "Serena there's nothing more you can do.. let her bleed out"

Serena nodded and let her bleed out "time of death 7:30pm" she said before going to scrub out. Serena headed to her office and collected her stuff, she knew that as it was getting late Bernie wouldn't want to go out so she was going to bring the meal to her.

Serena signed out and brought herself a coffee as she walked through the ground floor to get to the car park, she sipped her coffee and unlocked the car and out in and sat in the drivers seat and put her coffee into the cup holder before getting her phone out

 _ **"Hey Bern, just to say I'm out of theater, I'm gonna do a little bit of shopping, want me to come and pick you up or we can meet at yours x"**_

Serena typed out before sending the text to Bernie who had just finished her meeting, she stood outside the building and lit another cigarette as it helped her to relax her,she heard her phone beep so she reached into her coat pocket and took it out reading the text before replying to it

 _ **"Can we meet at mine? I feel like I need a little alone time, I'll tell you Why later. do you still have that spare key to mine? X"**_

the blonde sent her a text back waiting on Serena to reply again and smoked her cigarette, a couple of seconds later after sending Serena her response she seen that she had texted back which made her smile a little

 _ **"Yes of course I do, I'll tidy up a little while I'll wait for you to come back, take your time but don't take to long as I'll get worried and I'll send a search party out for you x"**_

Serena sent her reply to her again and smiled reading Bernie's reply

 _ **"I would love that if you could I haven't had the time to clean up my mess, your a life saver! feel free to make yourself at home to! X"**_

Bernie replied and put her phone away as she started to walk away from the building , she wiped her eyes a little as she was still debating on telling her on what she had told David, she also let out a small sigh.

Serena put her phone on the dash board and drove out the hospital car park, she drove to the nearest supermarket, and parked in the car-park and out locking the door before walking towards the entrance of Asda, she picked up a basket put some flowers into her basket and headed down the food aisle that she needed to go, she put the food into her basket and headed down to the wine aisle knowing just hat to get to cheer Bernie up, she picked up several bottles of her favorite Shiraz.

Serena didn't know what else to get after getting everything that she had came in for, she headed to the check-outs, there was a Que so Serena decided to go to the self-service as it as quicker because she wanted to get to Bernie's house before she did, Once she scanned everything she put the shopping into some carrier bags and paid using her credit card, and put her card back into her purse so she wouldn't lose it, and headed out to her car, she had put the shopping in the boot, she got back into the drivers seat smiling to her self as she had a thought of her and Bernie.

She soon drove off and drove to Bernie's which took her a little longer as the traffic started to build up, but it wasn't that bad she had managed to avoid it, Serena pulled up into the drive way, leaving space for Bernie to access her car if she need to, she picked up her bag and placed it on the passenger seat and started to rummage around for her keys , she had put Bernie's key with hers so that she wouldn't lose it. She had been rummaging around in her bag for about five minutes before finding them "Ah their they are" she said to herself while she lifted the keys and her bag getting out and walked around to the boot getting the shopping out, she closed the boot of the car and took it to the front door unlocking the door going inside.

Serena walked through into the kitchen and placed the bags down on the table and started to unpack the bags , she looked around the kitchen putting things away for Bernie before making a start on their dinner, She was going to attempt to make Bernie's favourite spaghetti bolognese, as it was a quick meal for her to make.

It didn't take her long to cook the bolognese as it was also one of her favourite meals, she plated up the pasta and then the bolognese and smiled to herself seeing how nice their dinner looked, she plated up the extra servings and left them to one side while she started to tidy and clean the kitchen before moving into the front room picking up the empty take away boxes and shoved them into the black bag,

Bernie decided since she left the building that she would take a slow walk back home, giving her time to think if she wanted to tell Serena about Alex and tell her about her attempt , her eyes was red from crying , she had to tell her because it was tearing her apart inside.

Bernie walked onto her street and walked to her gate and walked in, taking her keys out from her coat pocket, she unlocked the door and went in, going straight into the kitchen seeing several bottles of Shiraz and looked over at the kitchen unit by the microwave seeing her meal, she sighed a little before hearing Serena call out to her

"Bernie is that you?" She asked shouting down from the top of the stairs

"Yeah it's me, I'm in the kitchen, what bottle of Shiraz is open?"

"None, you'll have to open one"

"Okay, I will do" She said going into her glass cupboard, she lifted out two wine glasses and placed them next to the bottles while she opened one pouring the Shiraz into the glasses and picked a glass up taking a few sips , placing her mobile and keys down on the side "I'm going out side for a cigarette"

"Okay Bern, please don't be to long out there" Serena replied walking down the stairs , the blonde went out side with her glass of Shiraz getting on a chair which was a few meters away from the back door, she lifted her cigarette box taking out one , she lit it and breathed in the cigarette , it was like bernie was slightly pushing Serena way since coming back from Ukraine, she didn't mean to.

Serena was now in kitchen and looked out the window seeing Bernie, she was going to go out there to check on her, she picked up the wine glass and took a few sips walking outside to Bernie who was slowly smoking her cigarette while sipping on her drink

When Serena got close to her she saw that she had been crying "Bernie what's happened? You okay?" She asked softly.

Bernie looked at her "I'm fine"

"No your not , you've been crying , your eyes are all red..."

Bernie stubbed her cigarette out and stood up before snapping at Serena "I said I was fine"

The blonde walked back into the house making her way to the stairs and sat on them , Serena watched her walk off before sighing.


	8. Chapter 8

Bernie looked into the kitchen before rolling up her selves and looked at the scars before sighing before hearing footsteps she quickly rolled down her sleeves and looked over at Serena and gave her a small fake smile to let her know that everthing was okay.

Serena knew that something was wrong, not because of Bernie's fake smile but as the way Bernie was quite

"You okay, do you want me to sit with you?" Serena asked looking at her softly

Bernie looked at her, and gave her a soft nod "I'm sorry for snapping, I would love that"

Serena smiled again and sat next to the blonde and put her hand on her arm not realising that Bernie had been self harming and that there was a few fresh cuts that was beginning to sting the moment Serena placed her hand on her arm. The blonde flinched a little before putting her head on her partners shoulder, feeling a little relaxed.

Serena smiled a little more noticing that Bernie had put her head on her shoulder and put her arm round her softly stroking her hair "Are you sure your okay?" She asked again but this time more softly

"Not really if I'm honest" the blonde sighed before admitting

"Did you want to talk about it?"

"I don't know... I want to though...maybe not just yet"

"Hey Bern, I'm not going anywhere now, I'm all yours for tonight, Your my priority, you can tell me when your ready" she replied softly kissing her head "whatever it is I want you to know that your safe, I've got you"

The blonde nodded before looking around nervously as she really wanted to tell her about what had happened at her meeting "if I tell you promise you won't get mad and hate me and runaway?"

"Bernie no matter how bad it is , I'm staying right here, I'm not going to run, I promise you I'm staying no matter how bad it might be"

Bernie gave a little nod before looking at her partner "I'm sorry.. there's two Hingis I need to tell you but I think I'll tell you the worst one fist..."

Serena looked her confused after hearing her speak "Worst one first?"

The blonde nodded "Unless you want the other news first... But can we have something to eat first? I'm a little hungry.."

"Hey course we can, Tea's all cooked and its waiting for you" Serena replied softly giving the blonde a soft smile And held out her hand to help her up. Bernie looked at her hand for a few moment studying her hand before taking it and slowly stood up from the stairs And slowly walked back into the kitchen placing her glass on the table as she was going to refill her glass. Serena watched her before putting Bernie's bowl of food into the microwave.

Bernie refilled her glass and got up heading over to the sink To get the spoon and fork that was on the draining board, when her sleeve rolled up a little showing a few of her scars, and of course Serena was watching her she noticed the few scars and moved closer to so that she could have a proper look.

"Bernie?"

"Yes?"

"Please tell me you haven't?"

The blonde looked at her "please tell you I didn't want?" She asked confused

"You know what..." Serena replied raising her eyebrow and crossed her arms like she was being cross with her, just as the microwave beeped.

"Obviously I don't know or I wouldn't be asking!" The blonde queried.

Serena sighed before grabbing wrist to show Bernie scars , as she did the blonde flinched before letting out a painful whine

"Get off!"

"No not till you tell me what's been going on"

"Nothing is going on now get off" The blonde raised her voice at her partner,

"So if there's nothing wrong then what's with the scars?"

"Their from my time in the army!" The blonde lied hoping that Serena would drop it

"No their not, their fresh! So don't give me that!" Yelled Serena

The blonde looked at her before yelling back at her "it could of happened in Ukraine!"

"Berine! There to fresh to be from Ukraine!"

Bernie rolled her eyes knowing exactly what Serena was doing "It fucking happened in Ukraine okay?" The blonde shouted at her partner who was also getting irritated with her.

"Just tell me the truth Berenice!" Serena yelled louder

"I just did!"

"I don't believe you Bernie!"

"What do you want me to say?!"

"The truth! As this isn't you! Your hiding something!"

"What do you want me to say?! Huh? That I've been cutting since coming back from Ukraine? because of the nightmares that I keep having?" Yelled letting the truth slip out, she looked at her partner after realising what she had just admitted before walking out the room and headed to the front door and opening it walking out of the house.

The blonde turned to the wall and punched it hard in anger as she was never meant to tell Serena like that "You stupid Stupid bitch!" She said to herself As she had punched the wall her knuckles was bleeding so she shook her hand in a little bit of pain. The blonde didn't want to go back inside knowing that Serena would start asking her questions so she decided to stay outside, she sat on the wall looking at her knuckle that was bleeding.

Serena was shocked with out Bernie had told her, she had watched her leave for the second time, she looked over at the microwave and took out Bernie's dinner and placed it on the table and sat down, and started to eat it as she thought about giving Bernie some time to calm down. Serena looked at her phone seeing a text from David.

 _"hey Bernie turned up to her session today, I know you was there for a little bit but when you left, she stayed._

 _The session went well,Has Bernie returned home?"_

 _"That's great! Glad she stayed after I left, I'm sorry that I had to leave like that..._

 _yeah Bernie's home but she's acting a little weird, Like she's calm one minute but the next she's up tight... I've seen the scars on her wrists... Do you know anything about it?"_ She asked responding to the text

" _Just try to talk to her in a calm voice, Yes I do... She told me why but I think that she needs to tell you herself as its not my place to say about it,I'm sorry" David sent replying to Serena's text._

 _"It's okay I'm sure that she'll tell me"_ she sent back to him before tapping on Berine's name that was in her messages and started to type out a text

 _"Just to say I'm going up to bed if you want to talk to me..."_ She sent getting up going to the sink and placing the empty pasta dish in tot the sink and washed it up and put it on the draining board ,she soon left the room and went up the stairs after turning a few lights off. Once she was in the bed room she had gotten dressed into her PJ's and sat on the bed waiting for her partner to show her face.

An hour and a half later Bernie was getting cold so she knew that it was time for her to come back in looking for Serena as she was ready to talk about her scars and what she had done in Ukraine , Bernie's phone was in her bag which hung up by her leather jackets "Serena?" She called out quietly not knowing that Serena was upstairs asleep after waiting for her to calm down. The blonde checked all the rooms downstairs , she looked over and saw her dinner and sighed before putting it in the microwave for tomorrow as she was no longer hungry , she walked out into the hallway and looked at the coats that was hung up and saw Serena's, she smiled to herself a little bit knowing that she was still in the house.

the blonde walked up the stairs and started to check every room until she got to her bedroom seeing that the light was on , she quietly went in and went over to the bed and sat on her side she started to stroke her partners hair watching her sleep "I'm sorry"she whispered and kissed her head, she continued to watch her sleep . Serena soon woke up and looked up at Bernie and gave her a little smile before speaking

"You came back"

"Of course I did, I'm not leaving you"

Serena nodded lightly "I'm sorry for forcing you to tell me"

The blonde took her hand and held it "you got nothing to be sorry for , this is all my fault, I been bottling it up from you when I should of just told you the truth... I'm ready to talk about now if you still wanna know me?"

"Hey course I still want to know you, I love you Bernie, I have, i'm forcing you to tell me"

"No Serena.. Your trying to help I realise that now... What do you want first? The worst news or the bad news?"

"Bernie it's okay, just take you time"Serena said with a small pause "The worst?" She replied sitting up

Bernie nodded and took a deep breath looking at her before finding the courage to speak

"I've been attempting to kill my self.. that's why I've been wearing those long tops under my scrubs and that I've stopped eating... I'm sorry"

Serena put her arm round her and rubbed her arm "Bernie why?"

"I just wanted the nightmares to stop, I felt like no-body wanted me around as all I do is let everyone down.."

"That's not true, I want you around, you bring the laughter to work every day, you always know how to help everyone that needs it... Bernie your special"

"No I'm just a special fuck up... Since I came back we've only had sex once...

"Because you was scared to show me the scars, Bernie that doesn't change the way I feel about you"

"You say that but what I'm about tell you , you might think differently "

"How bad can it be? You told me about the nightmares and now you're scars" Serena replied looking at the blondes hands seeing that her right knuckle was bleeding and went to touch it "What happened to your hand?"

Bernie flinched a little bit but let her touch it "I..I punched the wall in anger... as I didn't want to tell you like that.."

"Oh bernie" She said softly kissing her head to make her feel better "where's the Germolene?"

"On my bed side table, i used it on my scars" she said picking it up from the table and handed it to her

"It might sting" serena said softly applying the cream onto her knuckles gently, Bernie flinched a little as she wasn't quite used to the pain.

"I'm sorry baby it has to be done"

"It's not you, it's my own stupid fault"

"Your not stupid, this was an accident, I can help you get better"

"How are you going to do that? I hate those meetings , it makes me feel more worst..."

"You felt safe when I went with you... so I'm gonna come with you more... and you need to stop pushing me away, because I know that you don't mean to"

The blonde nodded and held tighter onto her her partners hand "I didn't mean to hurt you.." she said before pausing as she was about to tell her about Ukraine , Serena looked at her a little confused

"Bernie.. you haven't.."

"Yes I have , when I went to Ukraine.."

"What happened in Ukraine?"

"It's kinda bad, you've just over losing Ellie, when I was in Ukraine all I could think about was you every single day, I didn't know she was going to be there" Bernie replied with a pause, looking down again

"Who was there?"

"Alex my ex.. Alex was doing the same thing as me... the hospital they needed all the help they could get, there was one night where a group of us was working on a patient who didn't make it, so after my shift I went into a pub and started to drink, you know just ease the pain a little, Alex was in the same pub... we went back to the hotel room.. me and her we had sex, I'm sorry"

Serena looked at her , she was hurt as her eyes started to feel with tears "Is this another reason why we only had sex Once when you came back... do you love her?"

"Serena I'm sorry, I felt guilty and I swear you was all I thought about"

"Your just saying that to make me feel a little better.."

"No I'm not, I mean it I couldn't stop thinking about you, I wanted her to be you, I wanted you by my side..."

Serena had let the tears fall as she was so hurt with what bernie had told her "I want to help but I can't do this..." she said letting go of her hand getting up and stood by the bedroom door "I think it's best if I go..."

"Serena please I need you I love you"

Serena shrugged her shoulders and walked out the room and down the stairs grabbing her coat and bag leaving the house getting back into her car, driving back to her house.

Bernie had watched the love of her life leave, she had more tears falling , she looked over at the blade that was sat on her bedside table like she had an erge to cut again "Come on Bernie you can do this..." she said to her self before putting the blade into the bin with a sigh knowing that she needed to regain her trust with her partner.


	9. Chapter 9

It had now been a month since Serena and Bernie had split due to Bernie cheating on Serena back in Ukraine, Bernie had been trying to stay clean which she had found hard as while she worked on the AAU she had bandages up her arms to cover the scars as all of her long t-shirts was in the wash or was waiting to get washed,If anyone asked her about the bandages she would lie and say that she fell over while drinking,Only David and Serena knew the real reason.

Serena was also finding the break up hard as when the pair would be the same shift, she would ask Bernie if she was okay and still attending her meetings , which Bernie would say yes, and tried to tell her that she was sorry for sleeping with Alex. Serena didn't know from the moment she walked out Bernie had stopped cutting. But each time Bernie tried Serena would walk away from her.

Bernie had swapped cutting for drinking as she thought it was the only way she knew how to cope, Bernie was on an early shift which meant that she would be needed,the night before Bernie had gone out drinking so the following morning she had a slight hangover which wasn't to bad that would stop her from working , if she got asked she was going to tell them that she had been up all night with paperwork.

few minutes in her car before getting her bag and getting out walking into the building grabbing herself a coffee, Slowly sipping her coffee she made her way to AAU unknowingly knowing that she would come face to face with Alex who had been called in to cover as AAU was short on staff, she walked on to the AAU heading straight to the office, she noticed that some of Serena's things had gone. She sighed to herself before leaning back in her chair not knowing that Serena was taking a few days off from working.

Bernie looked around the empty office taking the last few sips of her coffee before stepping outside the office and headed over to the desk looking at Fletch and Donna "where's Ms Campbell?"

"Ah about that, she's taken a few days off.. said she needed some time on her own.."

"Oh, So she's left me in charge?"

Fletch nodded "Yeah, She said that you'll keep it in safe hands until she gets back"

"And it will be" Bernie Replied

Bernie nodded as she picked up a patient's folder before going over to them checking on them before hearing her pager go off, she called Fletch over to continue checking the patient, Bernie made her way to the MRI and CT scan room looking at Dom "you paged?" She asked

"No not me but someone else did..." Dom replied with a little pause as Alex came walking through the doors and spoke "no but I did"

"What are you doing here?" Bernie asked raising her eyebrow while looking at Alex in an unwanted way.

"Heard the hospital was low on staff... So I said i'd would love to help..." Alex replied with a smile just to wind up

"We don't need you" Bernie scoffed knowing what Alex was a trying to do"why did you need me for? Looks like you have it all under control.."

"Well not quite... The patient well, she keeps fitting..." Alex explained to the blonde.

"What do you mean fitting?" The blonde asked walking to the patient , feeling her chest to see what could be making her fit

"Like she be fine but once she starts going into the MRI scanner she begins to fit..." Alex said watching her Ex girlfriends movements

"There's some sort of blockage in her airways... she needs to be in theatre right away... you can join us if you like Alex.."

Alex nodded as they moved her down to theatre, Dom,Alex and Bernie all scrubbed in and started to operate on the female, Alex started telling Dom about how they would operate on the sand and in the heat, the blonde just listened while she opened the females airwaves beginning to look for the blockage but kept getting distracted by what Alex was talking about and accidentally cut into more of the patients windpipe while trying to remove the blockage "Shit!"

Alex looked at Bernie and snapped "what the hell have you done?!"

"You're blaming me when this is your fault?!"

"Well you're the one operating on her!"

"Oh I'm not the one who's talking about the army and how we used to do this in the burning sun and how you met me... it's a little distracting..." Bernie scoffed.

"You love how I would talk while you operated..."

"Well not anymore..." she scoffed again as she tried to stop the bleeding of the accident that he blonde had caused "take over if you want..."

"No thanks this is your mess, you can fix it..." Alex said in a harsh tone while watching the blonde again

Bernie sighed deeply trying to stop the bleeding, which took her more than 15 mins until she eventually got it under control "there we go" she said to herself and also got the blockage out and looked over at Alex and dom

"Anyone of you would like to close her up?" She asked

"I'll do it" Alex said watching Dom who had looked over at her as Bernie stepped back so that Alex could finish the operation, Bernie walked out and un-scrubbed herself and washed her hands before going back into the ward giving herself a break.

She sat on the bench in the staff changing room looking down at the bandages that she had covering her scars , she wanted to take them off but was afraid that she would relapse if she took them off so she just stared at the bandages.

The blonde found it awkward to be around Alex as they had been in a relationship for over ten years while the both of them was in the army and felt more guilty about what had happened in Ukraine that night. She didn't know what to do but she knew that she had to try to fix it with Serena.

Bernie sighed, she missed Serena , and how they was before Bernie had messed it all up by running off to Ukraine when Serena needed her the most and having a one night stand with Alex was the worst thing that she had done since her affair with her when she was still married to Marcus.

As the blonde was looking at the bandages she decided it was time to take them off so that she could apply some cream on the scars to stop it from hurting, she started to undo the bandages and put the bandages next to her , she gently placed her finger onto one of the scars feeling the pain of it she bit her lip and removed her finger sighing deeply.

Alex came looking for the blonde to apologise for snapping at, she had checked the office and the bench out in the front of the building so there was only two places left for Alex to check, she was walking past the locker room when she saw Bernie, she quietly opened the door and went in and sat by her

Bernie felt someone sit by her so she looked up seeing her before looking back down at her arm as she didn't have any time to cover them up, the scars made her more self-conscious.

"I came to apologise..." Alex said watching

"It's fine..." the blonde snapped

"Well it's not..." alex said noticing the scars

"I said it's fine...apology accepted..." the blonde sighed

Alex nodded "why didn't you reply to my messages?"

"Because I wanted to fix things with Serena.. I told her about that night... big mistake..."

"so your saying that me and your a mistake?"

"No course not just that night was.."

"But you want Serena mor than me... I get that now, I should never of come here to look for you"

"Alex... Before you say that I didn't love you , I did but then I came here and I met Serena... She was there and I just fell in love with her, I'm sorry... I should go back to work..."

"Bernie... Wait... I...Urm I miss my best friend" Alex replied in a shaky voice trying to hold back her emotions that she had for Bernie

The blonde looked up at her "You do?" She said as she took her hand and held it just like she would do when the two was a couple, Alex smiled holding her hand tight as she put her free hand on the blondes cheek and began to stroke it softly.

Bernie smiled feeling her cheek being stroked "I miss my best friend too" she said softly before leaning in to kiss Alex , Alex also leant in and kissed her softly before deepening the kiss. Bernie kissed even deeper and ran her hands through Alex's hair as added more passion and also added her tongue into the kiss, Alex gave out a small moan as she sucked on the blondes tongue.

Serena decided that she would pop into the hospital just to see how everything was doing , so she got up from the from the bed and grabbed her clean clothes taking them into the bathroom and turned on the shower getting in, she washed her hair and her body and thought about Bernie and how she missed her and her cuddles she let out a sigh as she stepped out the shower drying herself off and started to get dressed.

Once she was dressed she went back into the bedroom and blow-dried her hair and brushed all the knots out before having one final look in the mirror to see If her outfit matched before going down stairs and picking up her car keys , she walked out to her car and got in. She made her way to the hospital, thinking on what to say to Bernie as she thought it was time for the both of them to talk

Serena pulled into the hospital and parked her car next to Bernie's , she looked at her phone before typing out a message for Bernie

"I think it's time to talk... I'll come to the office to see you.." She sent.

The blonde had her phone right beside her as she heard her message tone go off, she looked over at the screen while still kissing Alex Unknowingly that Serena was on her way up to the shared office, which would mean that Serena would have to walk passed the changing room.

Serena had gotten out the car and walked into the building, she headed towards the lift and walked in, she pressed the AAu's floor button and waited till she reached the floor and stepped out walking on to the corridoor and walked past the changing room when she came to a stop and looked through the window of the glass door seeing Bernie with Alex , seeing Bernie with Alex broke Serena's heart into a million of pieces , Bernie looked over seeing Serena she broke from the kiss.

"I'm sorry I can't" she said as she gathered her stuff and stuffed the banged into her trousers pockets not having time to re-apply them, She got up and headed to the door opening it before calling out Serena's name as Serena walked back to the lifts.

"Serena wait!" The blonde called out running after her.

Serena looked at the blonde "Why should i? You made your choice.. And you chose her over me... After everything we have been though?!" Serena shouted at her.

"Please just let me explain, please?" The blonde asked wanting to explain to her

"No bernie I don't want to hear it, as you want to be with Alex more... I wish you never came back from Ukraine!" Serena shouted at her again , she didn't mean what she had just said to her.

"Fine okay, you can have your AAU ward back and you can have your life back that didn't involve me, if that's how you really feel..." the blonde shouted back and walked away to the office to pack her things knowing that Serena didn't want her back after catching her with Alex.

Serena held back her tears going into the lift and going back to her car and headed butted the steering wheel "you stupid stupid bitch" she said as she let the tears fall a little before wiping them and driving back to her house.

Bernie finished packing her things from the office and wrote out her notice before handing it to Hassan who tried to talk her out of it but her mind was set on doing the right thing for Serena.

**A few hours later**

Bernie was sat on her bed in her apartment, she had a suitcase next to her along with her clothes she sighed as she tried to fit all her clothes into the one suitcase, she also had a bottle of wine on the bedside table that she was drinking out of just to erase what had happened between her, Alex and Serena.

She unlocked her phone and looked up cheap flights to Afghan, Sudan and Ukraine before selecting the cheapest with was Afghan, she was going back to the army life if she couldn't explain to Serena what was going on. She added the ticket to her basket but wasn't going to buy it just yet.

Serena was sat up in bed on her laptop drinking Shiraz while looking at pictures of her and Bernie remembering how much fun they had, she looked at her phone just in-case Bernie had tried to message her but there was nothing so she decided to make the first move and wrote out a draft

"Bernie I'm sorry I didn't mean what I said... I want you to explain what happened"

She looked at it before hitting the home button as she thought that Bernie no - longer cared , Bernie was now on her fourth bottle of wine with meant she was now drunk, she shoved the clothes into the suitcase and forcefully zipped it up before heading downstairs to the front door and made her way to Serena's and put the suitcase by the side gate and banged on the door waiting for Serena to answer, as she waited she took some more sips of the wine that she had carried with her.

Serena came running down in her dressing gown and opened the door seeing Bernie

"Bernie...you better come in?" She asked seeing the blonde drunk

The blonde shook her head to say no "I'm not really stopping , I just came by to tell you that the AAU is all yours and that I'm leaving..." the drunken blonde spoke.

Serena sighed at the blonde "how many have you had?"

"Probably 2-4 or more... I lost count..."

"Oh Bernie" Serena said as she slowly walked closer to the blonde and put her hand on her arm so that Bernie had some support.

The blonde looked into Serena's eyes "I also came to tell you that I didn't chose Alex, I chose you..."

Serena felt guilty hearing that Bernie had chosen her "I'm sorry for accusing you..."

"You had a right to.. I guess" the blonde said while shrugging her shoulders "I love you Serena. Not Alex there's nothing there anymore" she said moving her hands onto Serena's face stroking her cheeks.

Serena let her as she listened to her before speaking "I forgive you" she said getting lost into the blondes eyes.

"But you still want me to go..."

"Bernie no I don't I want you to stay... the hospital needs you..."

"There's nothing there anymore..."

"Hey don't say that there's me, I don't want you to go... I love you bernie so much... if this doesn't make you stay then I don't know what will.." she said softly before kissing the blonde deeply , Bernie kissed backed and moved her hands so that she was holding her before breaking the kiss "I love you more, and because of that I'm staying"

Serena smiled kissing her more before pulling her and the suitcase inside , Bernie couldn't wait anymore and gently pushed Serena against the wall where she slowly undone her dressing gown and placed her hands on breasts and squeezed them.

Serena smirked while biting her bottom lip while letting out a little moan "mmm someone's horny"

"No baby your just so hot" the blonde replied kissing her neck roughly while she moved her left hand down her chest to Serena's pj shorts and slipped her hand into her pants "mmm baby" she said as she gently started to rub her pussy.

"Mmm baby why don't we take this up to the bedroom where it's more comfortable for the both of us?" She said moaning out more to her girlfriends touch and put her arms around her neck and leaned back onto the wall as she felt Bernie get a little faster each time making her get wet

"Mmm soon baby" the blonde said while sucking on her neck making a hickie that everyone could see. "Good luck hiding that" she smirked against her skin

"What have you done?" Serena asked smirking while knowing exactly what she had done, bernie had now pulled down her pj shorts and her underpants before getting down on her knees and opened up Serena's legs wide and smirked up at her as she started to lick her gently.

Serena lent back against the wall more and started to breath heavily while she moaned out getting louder as the blonde licked her more faster making Serena more wetter then before, also feeling the cum build inside her.

For the next 20 mins Bernie kept licking her Serena felt herself wanting to cum more, she tried to hold it in , she whined a little.

"Baby!" Serena moaned out loudly

Bernie looked up at her as she rubbed her again "yes princess ?"

"I can't hold it I'm gonna cum!" Serena moaned more loudly

"Mmm cum princess!" Bernie teased with a smirk and carried on rubbing her while she licked her again , Serena slowly started to cum a little so Bernie licked her up just before Serena came hard.

"Mmmm miss Campbell your very naughty" the blonde teased while watching her cum.

Serena breathed more heavily and leant back onto the wall more while moaning out Bernies name as she gripped on to the blonde hair.

"Mmm I love it when you grab my hair like that princess" the blond said rubbing Serena's boobs in a circular motion.

After a little while Serena finally finished cumming "mmm that was so good baby I want more" she moaned out trying to get her breath back while the blonde went back down on her licking the cum up before lifting her up and carrying her to the bedroom where she placed her down on the bed with a smirk as she climbed on top of her stripping off in a teasing manner.

Serena placed her hands on her girlfriends boobs rubbing them in a circular motion while smirking at Bernie before giving them a squeeze, the blonde had put her head back feeling Serena's touch before she started to grind against her softly, serena moved her hands onto the blondes hips holding them while feeling her grind against more getting faster, she started to moan out her name loudly.

As Bernie grinded again her much faster she felt herself wanting to cum, she put her hand one Serena's boob also moaning out her name "mmm Serena!"

Serena looked up at her and smirked "why are you so hot?"

"Mmm I don't know baby but your way much more hotter" the blonde said throwing her head back as she was cuming herself just a few seconds later Serena joined her by cumming again.

"Mmm I wanna fuck you so bad baby" Serena smirked running her hands down the blondes body before reaching into the bedside draw and getting out the strap on.

Bernie looked up and smirked "mmm you wouldn't dare to punish me"

"Oh ms Wolfe I would indeed punish you for what you've done to me" she winked as Bernie got off her so that she could put the strap on, Serena smirked as she put it on and pushed Bernie down on the bed and climbed on top of her before starting to rub the dildo against Bernie's pussy teasing her.

Bernie looked up at Serena moaning softly while she put her arms around her neck before pulling her head down gently in order to kiss her deeply, Serena kissed her deeper as she pushed the dildo inside of her before slowly and gently starting to fuck her.

The blonde gripped her nails into her girlfriends back while she started to get more faster who was also moaning out to the pleasure.

As the hours went by both the blonde and Serena kept moaning out each other names taking it in turns to us the strap on making both of them cum and stopped until the pair of them was tired.

Serena took the strap on off and let it fall to the floor before getting back into bed and put Bernies head on her chest cuddling her while stroking her hair, Bernies had gotten comfortable on Serena's chest closing her eyes to the feeling of her hair being stroked, she smiled into the sleep "I love you so much Serena" the blonde mumbled

"I love you to Berenice" Serena said with a smile watching her drunken girlfriend fall asleep on her.


	10. Chapter 10

Serena stroked the blondes hair as she watched her sleep on her chest , she put the covers over them making sure that Bernie was comfortable as Serena had moved a little, she kissed her head before closing her eyes feeling safe knowing that her girlfriend wasn't out getting into any trouble while being drunk.

The blonde moved feeling the brunette move, and let out a little moan while trying to get comfortable, Serena smiled in her sleep hearing the blonde mumble, she held her close "shush baby I got you" the brunette softly spoke in her sleep knowing that Bernie was having trouble sleeping

With the blonde feeling the embracement of her partner she soon calmed down and cuddled into Serena as she started to fall into a deep sleep, As Bernie had put her phone one the side Serena reached over and picked up the phone to put it on charge for her.

As Serena put Bernies phone on charge she noticed that she had a text message from Alex

 ** _"I'm at the airport waiting for you, if your talk doesn't go well with Serena, all you have to do is buy a ticket then we can have a fresh start and go wherever you wanna go._**

 ** _Love you so much_**

 ** _A x"_**

Serena read it and sighed but was thankful that Bernie had came to see her as she didn't want Bernie to leave Holby - the hospital needed her as much as Serena needed her partner.

Alex was waiting at the airport for Bernie , she looked down at her plane ticket and sighed knowing that she was going to be Bernie's second choice so she gathered her bags and headed to the departure lounge, and waited for her plane to be announced.

Bernie soon woke and looked at her phone to see what time it was before looking over at Serena who was sound asleep, the blonde slowly got up and got dressed before making her way to the airport, she kept her suitcase at Serena's as she was going to stay , she wanted to say goodbye to Alex properly.

When Bernie got to the airport she looked around for Alex before making her way to the departure lounge, Alex was about to board her plane when Bernie called out

"Alex Wait"

Alex turned around and looked at Bernie , she gave her a smile not knowing that Bernie was about to say goodbye to her , Alex walked over to the seats and sat down, bernie sat next to her and took her hand

"You took your time, i take it things didn't work out between you and Serena?" Alex asked while Bernie was playing with her hand as she was nervous on what she was about to say and do, the blonde took a deep breath

"Urm... She needs me lex..." she replied

Alex felt her heart breaking knowing that she was right about being the blondes second choice "And what I don't need you?" Alex asked holding back the tears again

"Lex... I'm sorry I Really am, I do love you"

"No your not... you never did love me did you? You left me to go back to Marcus when I needed you and now it's happening again but this time it isn't Marcus it's Serena..."

The blonde looked at her shocked "what makes you think I don't? I was your girlfriend for ten years?"

"I'm just going to be your second choice bernie , that's all I ever am to you" Alex said letting the tears fall Bernie wiped them with her thumbs and realised how badly she had treated her

"I know I messed up.." the blonde softly spoke before pausing and let Alex cut in

"It wasn't your fault..."

"Yes it was... everything is my fault just like the car crash, the affair I should of just told him..."

"Bernie Nobody knew that crash was going to happen so stop blaming yourself" Alex sighed "Marcus would of found out anyway.."

The blonde nodded looking at here "where" she said before she paused as her voice started to go shaky "where are you going to go? The hospital needs you... I need you"

"No Bernie you need Serena , she makes you more happier then I ever did, I've seen the way you look at her and it's the same way you used to look at me...Back to the army? That's my home?"

"Your homes here with me like we planned?" The blonde asked again with her voice going more shaky

"Home used to be here, before you moved on... I've gotta go" Alex said standing up getting ready to leave again

"Alex please"

"Bern... there's nothing left for me here , you know that"

"There is lex.." the blonde took her hand and pulled her in close

"Bern don't... this isn't what you want" Alex said knowing that Bernie was still a little drunk

"I want us to have a proper goodbye if your leaving"

"Bernie you know I have to leave"

Bernie shook her head before putting her lips on Alex's kissing her softly , Alex didn't react to the kiss for the first couple of seconds , She knew that Bernie was right they both needed closer.

Alex kissed the blonde more softly for a few minutes before breaking the kiss, the blonde looked at her "promise me you'll be safe back there?"

Alex nodded with a little smile "you know how it is Bern, but I'll try"

The blonde let out a little laugh hearing Alex talk about the army "you know if you ever wanna come back I'll always be here" the blonde Replied with tears now streaming down her face "it's not meant to be this way"

"I know but I've gotta go" Alex said before turning to walk away from the woman she loved , The blonde quickly took hold of hand to stop her.

Alex looked at her "Bernie you need to let me go, you got Serena, she's gonna take great care of you"

"But she's not you..." the blonde said with a sniff

"Serena's more then what I could ever be Bern , she'll treat you the way you deserve, I could never do that"

"Yes you could... you came back for me..."

"Because your the most amazing person I've ever met but you need to move on and life your life with Serena" Alex said before letting go of Bernies hand and walked on the plane, bernie could only watch before looking around her before looking down to try to calm herself,

Once the blonde was calm enough she slowly walked away from the departure lounge and headed to the airport's bar

"A whisky please and make it strong" she said asking the bartender

The bartender looked at her seeing the blonde still a little drunk from before

"Don't you think you've had enough?"

"Please get me a drink before I get it myself" The blonde replied

"You wouldn't dare to, would you?"

"Don't tempt me" the blonde said before hearing a familiar voice that sounded like her her psychotherapist , bernie turned around seeing him as he spoke

"Get this woman a drink and put it on my tab"

Bernie gave her psychotherapist a little smile to say thank you. David made his way to the bar and sat next to Bernie

"What are you doing here?"

"I can ask you the same thing... are you checking up on me?" She asked avoiding the question

"No I'm waiting for my wife, she's due to land in the next 10 minuets" David replied "so what about you Bern?"

Bernie just looked at her glass of whiskey "might of made a biggest mistake?"

"What mistake Bernie did you end it with Serena?"

"No...I broke it off with Alex"

"You love them both don't you?"

"Yeah...Their very much the ones" the blonde said before downing her drink

"Who do you want to be with the most?"

Bernie looked at him for a few moments before answering "eh...Serena?"

David smiled at her answer "why don't you go back home to her?"

"I just need some time alone.. She doesn't know I'm here"

"I understand, if you wanted I can drop you back?"

"You don't have to..."

"Honestly it's no problem, I have to pass Serena's anyway"

Bernie nodded and waited with David until they met up with his wife , David looked at Rose "This is Bernie, she's one of my patients"

Rose smiled and shook Bernies hand "very nice to met you"

Bernie nodded again "nice to meet you to... can we go now please?"

"Of course" David replied lifting his wife's bags and walked down to the car with Rose and Bernie, Rose got into the passenger side while Bernie helped David put the bags and suitcases into the boot

"Promise you won't tell Serena where I was tonight?"

"I promise Bernie"

"Thank you" she said before getting into the back, David got into the drivers seat and started to drive away from the airport, The blonde looked at her phone and sent a small text to Serena

" _ **hey don't panic I've just gone for a walk , I'll be back shortly**_

 _ **B x"**_

About fifteen minutes later David pulled up outside of Serena's "thanks again... I'll see you on Wednesday?" She asked David trying to remember what day it was for her appointment

"It's really not a problem, We booked you in for Thursday Bernie "

"Oh, well I'll let you to get home" she said as she got out the car and walked up to the gate and gave a sigh.


	11. Chapter 11

Bernie walked up to the front door and let herself in and closed the front door where she then stood against the door looking down the hallway , still thinking if she had made the right decision of breaking up with Alex. David watched Bernie walk up to the front door and watched her go in to the house before driving away knowing that she was safe.

Bernie took her jacket off and hung it up next to Serena's and took her boots off and placed them next to Serena's shoes before she walked down the hallway to the stairs where she stood on the first step of the stairs looking into the kitchen thinking if she should make herself a drink but decided not to, she made her way up the stairs and walked into the bedroom seeing that Serena was still asleep, she smiled to herself before she got undressed and laid next to her partner watching her sleep for a little while.

Serena rolled over so that she was facing her partner and soon felt the blonde cuddle into her and smiled in her sleep and held her close while she slept, With the blonde feeling guilty on how she had been treating Serena since running off to Ukraine till now the blonde wanted to make it up to her , she didn't know how to yet but maybe now that Alex was out the picture it would be a little easier for the blonde.

"I'm sorry" the blonde mumbled in her sleep

"I know you are baby" the brunette mumbled back and kissed the blondes head softly

"No , you don't understand..." the blond mumbled again

"Babe get some sleep we'll talk about it in the morning or whatever time we wake" the brunette said softly reminding the blonde that it was their day off tomorrow.

It took the blonde to get comfy while being cuddled into Serena , before she finally rolled over and faced the wall and let a few more tears fall until she silently cried herself to sleep.

 _ ****The next Morning****_

It was now 10am and with Serena being the first one of the two she rolled over seeing that Bernie had her back her which got her thinking a little before she wrapped her arm over her and cuddled her kissing the back of her shoulder softly

"Good morning beautiful" Serena spoke softly knowing that she would get a mumble or a groan from her partner but this time it was different, there was no moan or mumble as the blonde was sound asleep, Serena got up out of bed quietly as she knew that Bernie didn't want to be woken up , she grabbed her silky dressing gown from the back of the bedroom door and put it on with her grey slipper boots and made her way down stairs.

Once she was downstairs she headed towards the kitchen and picked up the kettle and took it over to sink and filled it with more water before putting it on the base and flicked the switch in order for it inthe kettle to boil. Serena picked out two mugs from the cupboard and left Bernie's next to the kettle after she put a spoonful of coffee and then two spoonful of sugar in the mug ready for her when she would wake.

As Serena was waiting for the blonde to wake she decided to tidy up the front room and kitchen a little, when serena was finished she looked at the time which was now 12:30 as she looked she thought to herself if she should wake Bernie as she was getting worried about her.

The brunette made the blonde a coffee and took it up to the bedroom and put it down on Bernie's bedside table and sat on the bed next to her and softly ran her finger in a circular motion on Bernie's arm and softly kissed her shoulder, the blonde was slowly waking up and smiled to herself

As the blonde woke she gave out a little moan "mm" and rolled over so she was facing Serena "babe what time is is?" She said in a little mumble

Serena smiled "it's 12:20" babe"

"Why didn't you wake me earlier?"

"Because you looked peaceful and you needed your sleep babe"

"But still babe…"

"Babe you needed you had so much to drink last night" Serena paused "I made you a coffee just the way you like it"

The blonde nodded and reached over and lifted the cup taking a sip "just the way I like it"

Serena smiled and continued to stroke her partners arm watching her wake up more before asking her a question

"Babe last night you said that your sorry and that I didn't understand, what did you mean by that?" The brunette asked softly, Bernie looked at her knowing she had to tell her about Alex.

"I urm I went to the airport after you fall asleep, and met up with Alex… I had to see her one more time …" the blonde spoke replying to the brunette's question and paused

"What happened next babe?"

"I begged her to stay but she kept saying that you would do a better job of looking at me… but I didn't want her to go…" the blonde paused again and looked down we kissed to say goodbye and I watched her walk away…. I ended it with Alex so I could be with you…"

"You really loved her didn't you?" The brunette asked pulling her into a hug

"I love you both so much which was hurting you and her so I chose you because I love you more than Alex" she spoke as tears started to fall

"Hey I'm never going to let anyone hurt you ever again, I promise baby, I'm gonna keep you safe"

Bernie nodded "I've been taking you for granted , I'm really sorry , I swear I never meant to hurt you"

"Bernie babe? I'm still here aren't I?" The brunette replied softly as she wiped the blondes tears away "I'm never going to leave you"

"I'm sorry" the blonde cried into the brunette, the brunette kissed her head "hey come on shush everything is going to be okay , we can get through this together"

Bernie looked up at her and gave her a little smile "what did you want to do today? As I thought we could go into town and have a look around?" She asked

Serena smiled "we can do anything that my princess wants to do"

Bernie smiled again "you know I don't deserve you right?""

"Of course but I love you too much" Serena replied with a smile "you drink your coffee and get yourself into the shower then we can go" she said kissing her partners head again.

Bernie smiled cuddling into Serena more "I love you to the moon and back" she said before sipping more on her coffee


	12. Chapter 12

Serena Smiled watching her partner sip her coffee, while sipping on her own before putting her mug down on her bedside table and took Bernie's hand as she started to play with her partners fingers gently

"You know…. I've missed you...while we was on that break..." she spoke softly but a little awkwardly

The blonde looked up at the brunette with a smile "I know you did, Serena"

"How did you?"

"Because I know you.."

"Course you do...and there was no-one else"

The blonde looked at her partner "I wasn't even going to ask that"

"I'm sorry I just thought"

"But you came back to me, that's all what matters" the blonde replied with a soft smile before softly kissing the brunette's cheek. The brunette smiled slightly still feeling guilty about her breaking up with Bernie when the blonde needed her the most.

"Hey, I still love you Serena, I get that you needed more space from us" the blonde replied placing her mug down on the bedside table which allowed her to stroke her partners check again

"But you needed me-" the brunette spoke before getting cut of in mid sentence by the blonde who silenced her with a passionate kiss, Serena smiled into the kiss before softly breaking it looking softly into the blonde's eyes

"If you wanna go shopping then you better get your ass out of bed"

"And what will happen if I don't?"

"Then you can stay here on your own while I go out shopping" the brunette teased.

"You wouldn't dare to"

"Oh I would" the brunette teased again

"Your bluffing" The blonde spoke before smirking at her partner while traced her fingertips in a circular motion on her partners naked chest

"I'm not babe...mmm that feels nice" Serena replied giving out a little moan feeling Bernie's fingertips against her skin

"You know that you could just stay home and stay in this bed of ours for the rest of the day"

"But you really want me to come so that you don't have to carry the shopping bags" the blonde smirked knowing it was the truth

"No I don't I just want to spend time with my baby... if that's alright with you?" Serena replied lying a little as she wanted Bernie to go with her,

"No you don't, you just wanna test how strong your macho army medic really is"

Serena started to blush hearing her partner recall the words that Serena spoke once to a patient when she didn't realise that Bernie was watching her from the office. The blonde watched her before speaking in a teasing tone  
"Your blushing"

"No im not"

Yes you are"

"Okay fine, I want my Macho army medic to help with the bags"

Bernie smiled a goofy grin and giggled "I Knew it, it was written all over your face"

The brunette shook her head with a smile before throwing a cushion at her "Shush you,"

Bernie smirked catching the pillow "Oi you, That's it i'm not going with you now"

"well thats fine with me" the brunette smirked getting out of bed and walked over to her wardrobe getting out an outfit ready for the day before showing it to Bernie just to wind her up

"That looks nice but im still not going to get up"

"Oh you will in time" Serena smirked as she got changed into the outfit and headed o as shem was looking for Bernie's car okeys as she knew it was the only way to get her up, once Serena found her partners keys she placed Mm  
them into her bag and made sure she had the shopping list.

Bernie sighed as she laid alone in the double bed thinking for a few moments before deciding that she would go shopping with her partner and that some fresh air would do her good after spending most of the night drinking away the pain of breaking up with Alex.a

The blonde slowly got up and got out of bed and headed downstairs to tell Serena that she had changed her mind , she got to the top of the stairs and thought that she would surprise her, e went and found her suitcase and got out a tshirt and a pair of jeans with some clean underwear, she soon headed into the bathroom.

Bernie got underdressed and got into the shower as she needed to wash her hair. After she washed her body and hair she stepped out and dried herself off putting on the clean underwear and then her jeans And tshirt. The blonde walked back into the bedroom and brushed her hair sticking it up in a small ponytail.

The blonde also put a hoodie before walking down stairs putting her boots on and left the house walking towards Serena's car and leant on the hood of the car while she waited for Serena.

Serena was in the kitchen looking over the shopping list over again making sure she hasn't missed anything out before grabbing her set of car keys and her bag and walked out the house and locked the front door.

"You took your time"

The brunette stopped in her tracks and sound around after hearing the familiar husky voice giving her a smile "you said You wasn't coming"

"Well I changed my mind"

"Really?"

"Yes really , now unlock the car before I change it back again"

"Okay darling I'm unlocking it now" the brunette smiled unlocking the car and watched her partner get into true passenger side before she got in the driver's seat and looked at her

"I'm guessing there was no need in me bringing these with me?" She smirked holding up Bernie's set of keys to her car.

The blonde looked at the keys "you thought taking my keys would bribe me into coming with you? Well I don't think it would of worked, anyway I thought I could do with some fresh air.. mind you my head still hurts"

"It would do after the amount you drank last night babe, just take it easy when we're walking around the shops"

The blonde nodded rubbing her head a little "I don't wanna be out all afternoon, I've got plans for another nap"

"We won't Princess I promise, there's a bottle of water in my bag Incase you need it"

"Thank you"

The brunette put her seatbelt on and started the engine before driving out of driveway and drove towards the town, as Serena drove Bernie had put her hand Serena's leg as it was one of Bernie's comfort habits. Serena looked over her for a few seconds and smiled softly at her before looking back at the road.

"You know you didn't have to come, I would of been fine on my own" the brunette spoke breaking the silence a little

"I know babe but I just thought some air would do me good and like you said you wanted to spend time with me"

"I could of waited till I was back from shopping "

"Shush now I'm here with you"

The brunette smiled again and drove around town looking for somewhere to park , before finding a car park and parked the car. Serena got out and went to the ticket machine. Bernie watched from the passenger seat and thought about what was going to happen while the two of them was in town.


	13. Chapter 13

Serena's bag now resting on Bernie's lap. Bernie gave the brunette a soft smile as Serena opened the driver's door to get her bag from Bernie's lap, Serena smiled softly after taking her bag from her lap and spoke softly "thank you"

the blonde just smiled at her for a few moments before getting out the car, and held her parents hand softly, the brunette smiled softly and locked the car, the pair started to walk towards the city centre , Bernie held Serena's hand while looking around at all the different shops.

Serena looked at her and smiled softly "you okay?" She asked seeing how tense the blonde was.

The blonde looked over and returned the smile "I'm fine can we get a drink? My head hurts a bit.." the blonde explained

"Hey Course we can, you don't have to explain yourself babe"

"I'm sorry"

"Hey don't be baby, you've done nothing wrong"

"I did… I hurt you

"Shush it wasn't your fault, it's over now" The brunette spoke softly as she gently pushed the blondes head onto her shoulder and stroked her hair , the blonde smiled softly and relaxed a little

"I love you" the blonde spoke softly while keeping her head on Serena

The brunette smiled stroking the blondes hair more "I know you do"

The blonde smiled a little more , the pair walked towards the nearest shop which was a Wilko. the pair walked inside the entrance, the blonde looked around seeing how busy it was and sighed a little before walking straight to the fridges where the drink was, the blonde stood in front as she was deciding what drink she wanted. After choosing what she wanted she took the drink out of the fridge , she was now joined by Serena who also picked out a drink and placed it in the basket.

As the pair walked around the store Bernie started to feel sick , she looked at Serena "babe?.." the blonde asked

Serena looked over after potting a tin of biscuits down "Yeah babe?" The brunette replied to the question with a question

"I Urm… I feel like I'm gonna be sick…"

"Okay, well just get this and I can take you to the nearest toilets if you like?" The brunette asked as she took Bernie's hand and guided her to the tills when suddenly the blonde threw up near the help desk, Serena rubbed her back softly "bring it up babe" she said as a member of staff rushed over to see if Bernie was okay.

Once Bernie stopped being sick she looked up and looked around getting anxious as a load of shoppers was staring at her, she looked at Serena who comforted her before the blonde found the courage to look at Sophie who was the member of staff what was helping her "im...I'm so sorry" she spoke in a shakily voice and also had tears in her eyes

"Hey, it's okay , it's only sick we can clean it up no problem" Sophie spoke softly and calmly at the blonde

The blonde looked into the basket taking her drink out of the basket and then looked back at Sophie "is..is it okay if I open this? We was just about to pay for it…"

"Course you can.. you can have it for free" Sophie replied to Bernie's question seeing it was a bottle of water, the blonde looked at Serena feeling ashamed

Serena looked at the blonde and gave her a soft smile "Hey it's okay, why don't you go and wait outside for me? I won't be long"

The blonde nodded again as she slowly took sips of her bottle of water , She looked at the other blonde and apologised again, Bernie couldn't help it. Bernie soon left the store and sat outside, she found a bench and sat down while giving out a small sigh.

Serena helped Sophie clean up Bernie's sick as it was the least she could do, she soon pairs for her shopping and walked out to Bernie who was looking down at the floor, The brunette rubbed her shoulder gently , Bernie looked up and gave her a little half smile

"Their all talking about me aren't they?"

"What makes you say that babe?"

"Just from the way everyone was looking at me… I know I'm a disappointment…"

"No one is talking shit about you and your not a disappointment"

"I just feel like I'm a one…" the blonde spoke looking down at the floor

"Hey what you did in there you couldn't help it babe, you've done nothing wrong, I promise" the brunette said pulling the blonde into a hug and held her tightly but not to tight. The blonde sighed moments before resting her head on her chest and closed her eyes , the brunette smiled as she looked down holding the blonde and kissed the top of the blonde's head softly.

The blonde looked up at the brunette and softly spoke "I Urm.., I wanna go home"

The brunette smiled softly "hey if Course you can babe"

"Are you sure though babe? I mean you did really wanna go out shopping"

"Course I'm sure , I want to look after you"

"I'm sorry I've ruined the time"

"Hey you haven't, in the one that's sorry, I've should of known better then to drag you out while your still hungover babe"

"Well I sorta wanted to come out with you just to get some air…"

"Hey it's fine let's get you back to that bed of ours" Serena spoke with a smile and got up from the bench and helped the blonde up, the blonde got up and held on to the brunette and the pair slowly took a walk back to where the car was parked, Once they got to the car Serena unlocked it.

Bernie climbed back into the passenger seat and belted up before opening the window a little. Serena also climbed into the car and belted up before starting the car and drove out of the car park and made their way back home.

After about 20 minutes Serena pulled up into the driveway of her house, Bernie got out and unlocked the door going straight in and up to the bathroom as she felt sick again , Serena walked into the house a few seconds after her and closed her front door before walking into the kitchen and went over to the sink to make Bernie another drink of water, she took the glass up to the bed room and put it on the bedside table.

the brunette soon came into the bathroom and rubbed the blondes back softly "how much did you drink last night babe?" She asked

Bernie didn't answer her partner as she had her head in the toilet throwing up, it wasn't like Bernie to have a hangover this bad unless she had been making her drinks.


	14. Chapter 14

"Maybe we should get you check over?" Asked the brunette who was worried

The blonde managed to stop and answer "No I'll be fine I just need to get it all out of my system " the blonde snapped a little but didn't mean to.

"Bernie please… I'm just worried about you that's all.." the brunette sighed

"I'm fine Serena" she spoke before a few moments she threw up again this time she brought up a little of blood but didn't wanna tell Serena but knew she would find out.

"Bernie please your really scaring me.."

I'll be fine I just need sleep"

"Bernie… your bringing up blood, we should really get you seen to"

"I'm gonna be fine… I promise you"

The brunette sighed again "but if your not better after you've had sleep I'm taking you in okay?"

The blonde rolled her eyes "Okay… deal…"

"Good now lets you back to bed"

The blonde nodded seconds before the brunette took her back to bed. The brunette tucked the blonde into bed and sat with her for a while as she stroked her hair. The blonde slowly started to fall asleep.

Once Bernie was fast asleep Serena continued to watch her before leaving the room, she went down stairs going into the kitchen and tidied up a little while Bernie slept.

As the blonde slept she started to feel sick again so she quickly woke and grabbed the bin seconds later she was throwing up more blood into the bin, Serena soon rushed into the room after hearing her being sick

"I'm taking you in, you need to get check over"

The blonde finally came to her senses and gave into her partner and give her a little nod.

"you can keep the bin to until we get to the hospital" the brunette spoke softly to the blonde as she packed some overnight clothes in case the blonde had to stay in so they could see what was going on inside her.

An hour later Serena had rushed Bernie to the hospital and onto the AAU, and put her onto a free bed, Fletch came over to see if Serena needed any help, The brunette turned to the male.

"Fletch, she won't stop bring up blood… She went on a little binge drinking spree last night… That's all I know…"

"Hey, we'll get her back in her feet in no time I promise, she's in the right place I promise you" the make spoke after listening to the brunette.

The blonde just managed to stop sick so she could go for her scans, Serena waited in the shared office for the blonde to come back onto the ward, she was holding a photo of them from their first date where they got absolutely drunk which ended up with Bernie spending the night in Serena's bed.

The blonde soon returned back to the AAU with fletch was calming her down as she had got herself worked up as she thought she was gonna die. Serena heard Bernied voice and came out of the office and went over to where her partner was and held her hand

"Hey shush, your gonna be okay I promise"

"Im gonna die.. I know it.."

"Hey listen to me… Your not gonna die okay, we've got so much planned .."

" no I fucked us up.. You hate me…"

"Hey, Hey, shush I'm still here.. I love you so much Bernie"

The blonde nodded "I'm really sorry"

"Hey shush it's okay , I know you are"

An another hour passed and Bernie's results from her scan came back , fletch and raf looked at them and thought for a moment before going back to Bernie's side "we need to operate on her as soon as possible"

The brunette looked at her close friends confused "what you mean operate?"

"Bernie has teared her gastrointestinal which is why she is being up blood, the sooner we can operate the sooner we can stop it.."

Serena nodded "do what you need to do to make her better again please don't let her die"

"Hey we won't let that happen I promise"

The brunette nodded softly "You better not… its hard to find someone with the same skills as her to replace her"

Fletch gave a smile "We can take her down whenever shes ready"

The blonde looked at Fletch giving a small nod "Promise you'll be right here?" she then asked looking at her partner, Serena took her hand stroking it gently

"I Promise, I'll be right here waiting for you to come out okay?"

The blonde soon nodded at Fletch to take her down to theater, Fletch and Ric scrubbed in , after when Fletch had put Bernie under they started to operate.

It took a few hours for Ric and Fletch to stop the bleeding and started to fix her gastrointestinal, Serena was pacing up and down in the shared office as she started to have a few doubts as she thought that Bernie wasn't going to make it.

Donna walked into the office with a cuppa before placing it on her desk "she'll be out soon" she spoke softly with a little smile

"What if she's not? What if she didn't make it… I drove her to the drink!"

"Hey hey! Don't think like that, and you never drove her to the drink okay?"

The brunette nodded before taking a small sip of her tea, and sat down in Bernie's chair and put her grey hoodie on so that she felt more closer to her.

An hour later the operation was a success, Fletch stitched her back up and scrubbed out before taking her back up to the AAU, he placed her back into bay 3 , the blonde was stable and was fast asleep.

Fletch went to the office and knocked on the door, Serena looked up and saw fletch, she had prepared herself for the worst again "how did it go?"

"It was an success, She's back in bay two, she stable and sleeping it off, you can go and see her if you want" he spoke with a little smile

"Thank you" the brunette replied with a sigh of relief before she got up from her seat, she soon reached her partners side and sat in the chair besides her and held her hand softly, The brunette watched her partner as she was connected to different wires , Serena sighed again. She hated seeing Bernie hurt.


End file.
